Authentically Flawed

How many times have you heard or read that you need to be kind to yourself? Give yourself grace? Don’t speak negative things into existence? Talk to yourself the way you’d talk to someone you love?

Yup, it’s great advice. But here’s the truth: it’s f*cking work. In 2018, when I decided to focus on my physical health, it was the self-talk that took me from “I can’t run” to running my first 5K. Whenever I set out on a workout, I had to re-program my brain from the negative “motivation” like “this is why you’re overweight, you never put the work in!” to positive affirmation like “you are stronger than you think, Lex”. As I started to lose weight and see a noticeable difference both in how I looked and how I felt, this got a lot easier. The shift from “you lazy ass” to “damn girl, you look good” was dramatic and affirmed by the amazing energy I was attracting. As a result, I was working out more, maintaining my healthy eating habits, staying in touch with my accountability partners, and thus the cycle continued. It was good. And not only did it affect my physical and mental health, it gave me the confidence I needed to walk away from my toxic job. Because I’d been so kind to myself, I knew that even if it got tough, I’d survive being unemployed, and there would be good things on the other side of that decision.

I wasn’t wrong; life post-work-hell has been amazing. But I haven’t been immune to everything that everyone else struggled with in 2020 and heading into 2021. As the shelter-in-place orders went from “this is a fun staycation” to “when will this end” to “I guess this is life now”, I slowly stopped focusing on that voice, that positive affirmation which was the key to my discipline. The gym being closed became an excuse to avoid working out, even though I have dozens of bodyweight workouts and other resources I could have easily employed. In the absence of a regular workout routine, the ‘comfort food’ trap was prime to ensnare me, and I walked right into it. Back to the bad cycle.

Over the course of 2020, I successfully undid all the work I’d done in the two years prior and for the last few months, I’ve been cuddled up with that negative voice that I’d worked so hard to quiet. I didn’t even realized it had happened; that’s the dangerously powerful thing about the inner critic: it’s never gone. You can beat it back, but like the predator it is, it will just wait. Wait for you to feel weak, or vulnerable, or to slide back into an unhealthy habit. It’s there to tell you “it’s ok, that snack won’t undo all your progress, go ahead” or “you don’t need to workout today, you had a hard work day”. These are both true, but they can’t be the go to every week (or in my case, most days).

The reality is, the things you say to yourself embed themselves deep into your psyche and show up not only in your mood, but in how you allow others to affect you. If you’re constantly in that negative state, anyone that comes to you with drama and negativity is right at home because you’re already primed for it. My descent back to the unhealthy cycle of overeating and not staying active was gradual, and I made a lot of excuses for it initially. At some point, I turned those excuses inward and attacked myself for it, breathing life back into the “you aren’t good enough/attractive enough/smart enough” monster that I allowed to rule my life for so long. I’m fortunate to be with someone who loves me enough to be very honest with me, and during a conversation a couple days ago, I started down the path of “I’m fat…”, when he cut me off and told me it wasn’t okay to speak negatively about myself. I felt myself start to armor up and get defensive, when I realized…what I am I defending? My right to be an asshole to myself? Why would I defend that? I knew it was time to dust off my keyboard, my journal, and my mirror marker so I could armor up in a different way – to revive that “Lex you’re the shit” goddess and readjust my crown.

I’m sharing this with you all for a couple of reasons:

1. I’ve been absent from my blog for months, and it was time to return.
2. I want you to check in with yourself. What have you been saying to yourself lately? Is it kind? Is it what your family and friends would say to, or about you?

Listen fam, I’m not perfect and I don’t have all the answers; that’s why this blog is named Authentically Flawed. I have seen some things though, and if there’s anything here that resonates with you, know that you’re not in the struggle alone. You are [blank] enough (fill in your own blank). You are loved. Be well fam; I’ll be out slaying. All day.