Authentically Flawed

Hey family! It’s been weeks since my last post; I’ve been at a literal loss for words until now. Every time I’ve opened my laptop to start writing, I’ve been paralyzed by a force I couldn’t identify until today. I had a great workout with my love and decided to take a walk to cool down and stretch everything out. While out and about on this beautiful Texas evening, I realized that two things have stood between me and my beloved blog: Fear & Guilt. Let’s talk about the latter first.

In late February, I started my new job after being unemployed for almost two months. I had really high hopes going into it because the interview process had been so great; my first week did not disappoint. I got to spend a week in San Diego (more accurately, La Jolla), hanging out with not only my awesome new coworkers, but my bestie, her daughter (mini bestie), and my frister. Shortly after I returned to Austin, the world as we knew it crumbled around us. The US was starting to see the effects of coronavirus / Covid-19 and we started to go into a poorly planned and worse-executed lockdown. Texas was behind the West Coast in the shelter-in-place orders but my other half and I had started planning as soon as the Bay Area went into self-quarantine. With him by my side, we established some quaragreements about how to coexist and what we needed from each other.

In those first few weeks, while tens of thousands of people were laid off, and countless others faced uncertainty about what was next for them, I was basking in the bliss of my life. I have a job that I love (like, get up in the morning excited to go to work, love), working for a company whose product I truly believe in. It’s the first time in my career that I took a job because I really wanted it, not because I had to for financial reasons, to escape a bad situation, or because someone else thought it would be good for me. I can tell you, the difference is night and day. Then there’s my home life. I wake up every day with someone I genuinely want to spend time with. We spend our days flirting from across the room, joking around, sharing our feelings, and communicating our differences of opinion. As with any relationship, we have our tense moments, but you’re far more likely to find us dancing in the kitchen than dancing on each other’s nerves. On top of that, the man brought an Australian shepherd puppy to spend our days with. Job, check. Relationship, check. Puppy, check.

So what’s the Guilt? Simply stated: I’m happier than I’ve ever been. And we are in the midst of a fear-fueled, media-perpetuated, global crisis. I exist in my little bliss bubble, but I know there is a tremendous amount of suffering and turmoil outside my little fortress of happiness. For weeks I have been very conflicted about that and for the most part, outside a select few of my closest friends, I haven’t shared all the good that’s going on in my version of 2020. Don’t misunderstand me, I am not immune to the trials of this situation. It is becoming increasingly challenging to be home-bound (even for my anti-social, introvert self). I’ve had a couple of mini-meltdowns about the restrictions on where we can go, and how we have to conform in what will likely be the ‘new normal’. The irony is, two years ago when I closed on this house, I told my therapist I was going to start working from home, build a home gym, and create a space to write…at home. Her response to me was “you’re looking for connection and relationship, but you’re setting yourself up to be completely isolated from the outside world. I don’t think this is a good plan, Alexis.” Touché universe.

Then there’s the Fear. My life hasn’t exactly been rainbows and roses. I’ve shared some of my story in this blog, and in Barone Sisters Shenanigans but those entries scratch the surface of what I’ve endured. There is a part of me (albeit, a much smaller part than a few months ago), that is afraid things are too good, with some catastrophe just waiting for me. Brené Brown calls this foreboding joy or dress rehearsing tragedy. It’s the concept that when things feel too good to be true, we convince ourselves that trouble must be on the horizon. The problem is, what you put in the universe will eventually manifest itself. At one point, I was waiting for the worst to happen. Jeremy and I would have a disagreement and I’d jump to “well, he’s gonna break up with me”. My boss scheduled an impromptu 1:1 with me and my mind went to “last in, first out…they are going to lay me off”. I don’t know exactly when, but there came a point where that tide turned and I started leaning in to the joy. My job is great, and it will continue to be great as long as I keep showing up and doing what I’m supposed to do. My relationship is amazing, and as long as we keep showing up for each other, maintaining mutual boundaries and respect, and building on our friendship, it will continue to be amazing.

Family, my closing advice is this: don’t be like me. Don’t spend weeks or months or years standing in the way of your own joy and excellence. There are things we can’t control – that is just a hard fact of life. But we can choose to believe that we deserve the the things we want. You want a job with people who respect and appreciate you? Don’t settle until you find it, but understand you may have to sacrifice to get it. You want a healthy relationship? If you’re single, get right with yourself so you’re open to your twin flame finding you amidst the chaos of this world. Therapy helps more than people are willing to acknowledge. If you’re in a relationship, open the lines of communication, even when it’s hard. Pride isn’t worth the consequences. That is the key – you have to be open to let joy in. I’ve discovered joy is like a vampire, it’ll stand at the door and wait but it won’t cross that threshold without an invitation. Extend the invite. You won’t regret it…I don’t.