Authentically Flawed

Ok guys, so I started this week with some serious aspirations. Get up early, workout twice a day, get my house organized and packed up, and apply to dozens of jobs. No problem since I’m not working, right? Ha. It was mid-way through Tuesday before my body told me to sit the f*ck down. And I did, for three days. In 2018, I did Keto for 90 days, and that first week without sugar was awful – I felt sick, and weak. This was similar; I didn’t feel sick, but I was definitely physically exhausted.

I started the week strong; Monday I got an early workout in and got most of my errands done before 11am. Tuesday I worked out and meal prepped, and despite some kitchen mishaps, it was great to cook a few meals. I did not sleep well on Tuesday night though, and this led to a progressive deterioration in both energy and motivation.

Wednesday, I got up late, came downstairs and turned the TV on. I might as well have given myself a lobotomy because I sat there in front of the television watching Criminal Minds re-runs in my pajamas for hours. I kept telling myself I’d get up and get a workout in after the next episode. And of course, if I could get a workout done, I’d have the energy to do other things – gotta love those endorphins. Before I knew it, I’d next-episoded myself into the evening hours. Working out in the evening isn’t unusual for me so I could have gotten up and gone, but I just could not muster the will to get off the couch. For this I blame Netflix and Z Gallerie, but I digress.

It was late Wednesday when insecurity started to creep in. That critic I talked about in The Birth of Authentically Flawed visited and before I knew it, I was attacked with a barrage of anxiety-inducing questions. Did you make the right decision? Is now the right time? What if your savings runs out before you find a job? If we go to war and the economy collapses, how will you survive? You said you were gonna write, but you haven’t written anything all week, what are you doing? I let this weigh me down most of the day Thursday and then started frantically applying for every open project/program manager position that sounded remotely interesting.

Friday was pep talk time – f*ck that critic. It’s been a week…I’ve been unemployed one week. I planned for this, and I did it because it is genuinely what is best for me at this point in my life. What I didn’t fully appreciate is that I’ve been sprinting for almost four years. Every day was a battle, so I got used to armoring up and being on alert, ready to take on not only my own frustrations, but the myriad emotions of my team.

Side note: people think being in a male-dominated environment means you don’t have to deal with emotions. To quote Dwight Schrute: FALSE. Men are very emotional beings; there were no tears, but there were a lot of cuss words, slammed fists, obscene phrases I’d never heard before, passive aggressive hallway comments, and general pouting. Bless them.

Now that I’ve had some real downtime, and not the downtime that involves checking my work email when I shouldn’t and then stressing about everything waiting for me, I can get to the things I told myself I’d be doing with my time off. I’m not totally behind; I have finished the outline for my book, and spent several hours on the content. Painful a journey into my past as it is, I’m excited about how it’s taking shape. Cheers to Week 2!