Authentically Flawed

If no one is perfect, then everyone has flaws; this is just a fact. Why then, do we have such a negative association with the word flaw? I’ll speak for myself because I’m the only one whose mind I fully understand (most days). I’m now in my late 30s, and it’s only been in the last two years that I’ve stopped trying to hide or dull my imperfections. I struggled for many years with the crushing weight of fear of failure, and this intense need to be seen as successful, never let anyone else down, be the best at whatever I was doing, and achieve all the things I was taught were important, led to some very unhealthy behaviors.

I first developed an intense internal critic. No matter how positive the situation or feedback, she was there to tell me what I could have done better. In 2011, I bought my first home at 29 years old. The critic told me it was just a one-bedroom condo and only 770 square feet. In 2012, I finished my Bachelor’s degree. The critic was there to remind me that it took 12 years and I gave up a full ride at SDSU in the process. In 2016, I graduated with my Master’s degree, with straight As. The critic told me that I only got into the program because I attended the extension campus, and if I’d been competing at the main campus, I wouldn’t have done as well. It’s taken two years, a lot of therapy, and a regular fitness routine to quiet the critic down. She hasn’t stopped talking to me; I just listen to her less, and give less weight to her commentary.

In large part because of my inner critic, I also developed an extreme defensiveness, as I constantly felt I had to protect myself from criticism. The way my brain filters information is to hear negativity, no matter what the real context is.

Normal person: “Hey, you look nice today.”

Me: “I know, I look a hot mess most other days. Thanks.”

This filter, and the accompanying misunderstandings it leads to, has been extremely frustrating to those closest to me, and at a minimum, perplexing to those who don’t know me very well. I really can’t imagine dealing with someone like me-I assume it’s exhausting. Thankfully, the rest of my sparkling personality seems to keep people around.

In the past two years, I have focused on letting go of negativity in my life. This started with my inner critic. I’ll never forget the advice my therapist gave me back then. As we were talking about negative thoughts, and my habit of picking them up and wrapping myself in them, she said to try to look at them like leaves in a stream. No need to pick them up and analyze them. No need to fight them either, as pushing a leaf upstream is futile. She suggested just letting them float on by. I wouldn’t be true to myself if I didn’t acknowledge that in that moment, my reaction was “yeah right, that shit sounds ridiculous and I can’t believe I pay you for this.” But, after some reflection, I realized she was right, and I started paying attention to the choices I was making about what to do with negativity.

What has followed is an acceptance that I am not perfect. I can be both successful and flawed. I can have goals, and I can strive for my version of happiness but here’s the gift: I can fail. And I won’t die. In that truth, I have managed to do things I never attempted before. I ran a 5K last year after convincing myself I couldn’t even run a mile. I wear far less makeup, I laugh more, I talk openly when silly things happen (I fell down the stairs a few weeks ago – just another day in the life of Alexis), and I generally care far less about what other people think. Amazing how quieting that inner dialogue led to quieting other people’s opinions, as well. Now that I own that I’m flawed, the word flaw has no power over me. What’s your word? The thing that keeps you from diving into your dreams? Take it, understand it, own it, and eliminate its power. I am flawed. I am also striving to live my life with intention and authenticity. Thus, I am authentically flawed.

I’m at the beginning of a new chapter of my life. One where the only thing that matters is that I follow my passion, and give it my best. I’ll be posting stories along the way; I hope you enjoy the journey.

Happy 2020.