Authentically Flawed

We frequently use the word reflection, especially at the beginning of the year. It’s time for reflection. Invariably when we take a vacation, it’s for “rest and reflection”. Have we ever really thought about what it means though? There are two definitions:

1. the throwing back by a body or surface of light, heat, or sound without absorbing it.
2. serious thought or consideration.

I spent the first few weeks of this month trying to figure out what to write for my word of the month; I had moments of writer’s block and then intense scrutiny of what I’ve already put out in the world. There are definite themes that repeat themselves throughout many of my posts so how do I post something fresh and engaging? I imagine most content creators have similar internal dialogue.

In the absence of a grand creative idea, I decided to lean on the definition to see what that conjured up in my mind; after all, I’m using words to anchor my thoughts and create routine in my year. So here I was, with Google at my side staring at the definitions. Initially, I thought well…I’m not a surface so the first definition wouldn’t apply to my blog. Then I stepped back and thought about it more deeply. I am a body. And I spend a lot of time absorbing energy, and isn’t that the same as light, heat, or sound?

🤯 Here I was trying to write from the wrong definition. That’s the amazing thing about language, which we take for granted: words have meaning, but how often do we stop to consider meaning when we string a bunch of words together? The power of words is something my partner reminds me of on a regular basis; mostly when I’m overly critical of myself.

As I reflected on this (see what I did there), I realized one of the things I love about human interaction and connection is discovering sub-surface-level things about people. I believe the reason people feel comfortable opening up to me is the fact that I do absorb energy and I can sit in a moment of vulnerability with someone as they share a story or emotion. Throughout my life, I’ve heard various iterations of “I don’t know why I’m sharing this. You’re just so easy to talk to.” I love this.

The challenge for me is I don’t always do a good job of letting the energy stay in that moment of connection; often, I’ve carried that energy with me for prolonged periods of time. This has been most prevalent with extreme emotions like anger and sadness, or if I feel someone I care about has been treated unjustly. I’ve had a lot of acquaintance relationships centered on venting or drama, usually at work. Once outside whatever the toxic environment or circumstance, those relationships didn’t last because they didn’t have a foundation outside our common frustration.

This isn’t to say that meaningful relationships haven’t developed from what started as work venting; I met my best friend at work over 20 years ago, and boy did we have a lot to say about that environment. What separates this relationship from the ones that haven’t lasted is we developed a friendentity (making up words here) not anchored to our jobs. She’s a lifer that one.

My opportunity for evolution (I’m intentionally using evolution instead of growth because growth is painful y’all and frankly, I’m tired of growing), is to be more reflective than absorptive in connecting with others. As an empath, this is not easy but this is another thing we have control over. In the same way that we can use meaning to create a better connection to language, we can take these labels – empath in my case – and customize their application in our lives.

Do I believe I am an empath? Yes. And to be clear, I believe it’s a superpower to be highly attuned to the feelings and emotions of others.

Because I am an empath, am I resigned to be angry, or sad, or worse, depressed based on the emotions of others? No. Covid is the most prolonged, widest-spread social trauma any of us have ever experienced and I have never felt so isolated in my life, in large part because of the persistent, extreme emotions of others which were often diametrically opposed to my own feelings. I have zero desire to tie that much of my own mental health to others again.

I’ll leave you with this. The definition of who you are is yours to own; society can suggest its labels but as with emotion and energy, it’s ultimately on you to determine which ones to internalize and which ones to throw back without absorbing.

Be well fam.