Authentically Flawed

I got my first job when I was 15 years old. I remember going to get my work permit from the school, because it was the first time my high school sweetheart spoke to me – he was on campus for Summer school and asked if I was too. After some small talk, I asked if he even knew my name and he replied “yeah, you’re that Tigger chick.” Ah, the good old days. Anyway, work permit in hand, I went off to what was then Paramount’s Great America where I secured a seasonal job at Pizza Luigi’s, a food vendor in the park. I spent that Summer slanging pizza and rotating responsibility for manning the churro/frozen lemonade cart while answering people’s most obtuse questions. Yes, I work here – hence the uniform and name tag. No, we don’t have sausage pizza, the menu that you’re standing in front of clearly says we have plain cheese and pepperoni. I remember someone asking me if we had combo pizza; I was reprimanded for responding “yes, we have a combination of cheese…and pepperoni.” In that three month period, I learned a number of things: 1. Taxes suck, 2. People don’t read, 3. I really liked having my own money. And so it began; without knowing what was coming, I was blossoming into a workaholic.

I worked a number of retail jobs after that: Mr. Rags, Blockbuster, Old Navy, Big 5…I hated retail. It was way too much interaction with strangers and I didn’t like not having control over my schedule. After my first year of college, my bonus mom got me a summer job at an LLC in San Jose where she had worked for years, and it was there that I discovered my Type A personality. My boss was the quirkiest man I’ve ever met. My first assignment was to hand-stamp the 300 calendars they send out every year (why we were doing this in the Summer months was not a question I felt comfortable asking in my first week). He gave me very clear instructions: “I want the stamps about a thumb-nail’s distance from the edge and the right corner. Please make sure they are straight. And don’t lick them, use this moistening pad.” He then proceeded to give me examples of what was not acceptable. Stamp askew to the right or left. Stamp upside down. Stamp too far down from the top or too far from the right edge. After this lesson, he had me do a couple of samples to check that I understood. I passed this test, and then several others and I realized that so long as he was happy, it was a smooth, if not slow, work day. He gave me a progressively more challenging set of responsibilities (challenging in his mind, for me they were incredibly easy and I found it difficult to fill my agreed upon hours). But he was so happy that I managed all of my tasks with little supervision and praised me for being so smart. Praise from my boss. I liked this.

Much to his chagrin, I left at the end of that Summer and returned to San Diego. I had made the decision to drop out of San Diego State University (still my life’s only real regret), and get a full time job. With some office experience under my belt, I reached out to a temporary agency and began going on various assignments. Filing, answering phones, helping with projects. Boring stuff but it paid the bills. Then I got a call about a job at Kaiser Permanente. I declined it for reasons that would take another blog post to explain, but after awhile, Kaiser was the only option they had, and the money was better than I had been making so I took it. And so began a 12-year journey, in which I’d meet some of my closest friends, have some of my biggest heartbreaks, learn some of my hardest lessons, and accomplish some great things. I got promoted every two years. But I also lost friends due to my crazy work hours and irrational commitment to doing the best job I could, I failed and/or dropped a number of classes, prolonging the completion of my Bachelor’s degree, and I developed an unhealthy need to be accepted in a clique that clearly didn’t want me. Praise from my boss. I missed it.

I took two weeks off between my job at Kaiser and my job at Safeway and I traveled almost the entire time. I didn’t rest. I didn’t reflect. I didn’t go to therapy. I partied. I celebrated finally finishing my undergraduate studies. But I didn’t sit still. I didn’t know I needed to.

My transition from Safeway to Flex was even worse. I worked a full day on Friday at Safeway and started at Flex on Monday. I knew the job would be intense; everyone I interviewed with told me that, but I was so excited, I ignored everyone’s advice to take a break. I started traveling to Guadalajara my second week into the job, and I kept traveling two to three weeks a month (sometimes four) for the next two and a half years. It really is no wonder then why last week, I felt the strong need to sit down. I don’t mean literally sitting, though I did that too. I realized as some conflict in my life arose that I have spent years thinking about what’s next. What am I doing tomorrow? Next week? A month from now? Five years from now? What needs to be done around the house? Are all the bills paid? When is my next vacation? Who do I need to check on/take care of? At the thought of having to make yet another decision, I just hit a wall. I threw my hands up and said no. No, I’m not going to analyze this decision for the next few days. I’m not going to weigh the pros and cons. I’m not going to consult my crew. I’m not going to agonize about decisions I’ve already made. I’m going to do something I never do. Nothing. I made a conscious decision to make no decisions. Praise from my boss. Turns out, I don’t need it, or anyone else’s for that matter.

I had a great week. I didn’t obsess about my finances – I trusted my plan. I didn’t spend every waking hour looking for or thinking about jobs. I connected with friends, spent time with the man in my life, ate healthy meals that I cooked without the stress of “meal prep for the work week” looming over me, worked on my book, and had a great therapy appointment where work didn’t come up at all. According to Apple, my phone usage dropped by 25%, and according to how I feel overall, I’d say my anxiety dropped by at least that much. I’ve had a hard time sitting in silence and uncertainty but after last week, I realized how important it is to take time periodically and not fill it with something “productive”. I’m not saying everyone should quit their job – my situation was extreme. After years of being an overachieving workaholic with ridiculous expectations of myself and others, I needed to just sit the f*#% down. And I’m so glad I did, because now I’m truly ready for what’s next. Your move, universe.