Authentically Flawed

As many of you know, I started a new job in March and I’ve been traveling consistently since then. Most of my trips have been to Guadalajara, Mexico, but I’ve also been to Portland and Louisville. My most recent trip was to Fuzhou, China. I’d never been to Asia and the idea of taking a 14-hour flight by myself was quite daunting. I really didn’t have a choice though, so I put on my big girl panties, bought some snacks, downloaded a couple movies and buckled in. The flight wasn’t as bad as I expected but the week was full of other mishaps that made me scratch my head and wonder if I should be allowed to roam around the world without adult supervision…

Not Adapting

Upon my arrival to what is the most beautiful hotel I’ve stayed in to date, I realized that the power outlets were European style. Did I have an adaptor? No. Had someone told me I should look into this before I left? Yes. I am a gadget queen so I had a mini panic attack at the thought of not being able to charge my iPhone, iPad, Apple Watch, Beats headphones and work laptop for a week but I told myself I’d go to the front desk in the morning. Surely in a hotel this nice, they’d have prepared for an American who’d forgot an adaptor, right? My conversation with the concierge went something like this:

Me: “Good morning…I need an adaptor for the outlet in my room.”

Concierge: “Oh, you need charger?”

Me: “No, an adaptor – to use the charger in the outlet.” I don’t know why I thought hand gestures would help me but I tried to gesture a plugging motion. Failure was imminent.

Concierge: “Oh, yes, let me call housekeeping.”

Me: Success! Maybe my silly hand gestures were not so silly after all!

Concierge: “No, we don’t have a charger.”

Me: Ok, so they were dumb. “Ok, is there somewhere I can buy one?”

Concierge: “Buy? Yes, go to The Plaza.”

Me: “Great, where is The Plaza?”

Concierge: “Go right.”

Okay guys, I’m in a foreign land, and unlike when I travel to Mexico, I can’t even fake an understanding of the language. But he said go right and I can’t live without my devices so I head out…and to the right. Sure enough, there’s this Plaza. I walked around for about 30 minutes before feeling completely bamboozled. Everywhere I went, the signs said “Mall”, but as an expert in shopping, I can tell you this was not a mall. This was the world’s biggest food court sprinkled with a couple of obscure stores, like China Mobile and UNIQLO. I went into every electronics-looking store I could find…no adaptor.  I went back to the hotel, ran into my colleagues and after exchanging pleasantries, told them about my escapade. Almost simultaneously, they said that the outlet in the room was had an American plug – I said (defensively) that mine didn’t, and they all explained that the outlet looks different but that it accommodates all types of plugs. One of them was kind enough to go in his room and send me a photo – because clearly I’m a dumb ass and need a visual. Walked into my room and sure enough, all of my chargers snuggled right in.

China: 1, Alexis: 0

Stand, Squat or Hold

So, it’s day two and we head out to the site where we will be working for the week. I’m immediately uncomfortable because I’m surrounded by people I don’t know and there’s no wifi so I can’t multitask. I’m sitting there listening to technical details that are 1) irrelevant to my job and 2) way over my head. As I’m daydreaming about how I’m going to get work done, the urge to visit the facilities hits me. Not thinking anything of it, I wandered my way up to the women’s room. Of note, there were showers in the restroom, I was not expecting that. 30 seconds later, I encountered something else I wasn’t expecting – the “toilet” was a hole in the floor. My thought process around this was nothing short of amazing; panic combined with fear and disgust welled up but survival mode kicked in and I quickly evaluated my options.

Option 1: Take my pants off and stand, dude style. Why not? I’ve always had penis envy – could be fun. Problem: The floor looks pretty gross and I don’t want to take my shoes off and expose my socks to whatever bacteria has attached itself to the ground.

Option 2: Drop it like it’s hot. I have a fair amount of experience with this from my club days so I can squat. Problem: I imagine it’s difficult to aim in this position and I’m a bit leery of my own balance. I am prone to tripping over nothing and falling when there’s no obvious obstructions and the very last thing I want in life is to tip over and have any part of my skin make contact with any of the surfaces in my immediate vicinity.

Option 3: Hold it. At this point, this seems like the most attractive option, except I drank a lot of water and ate a ton of fruit at breakfast so my bladder, which is typically only ever half way full, is ready to burst. The one time I follow everyone’s advice to stay hydrated!!

I went with Option 2. I’m in my squat and I realized I have to hold the middle of my pants away from the stream in order to stay dry. Having one hand occupied to do this is making me even more nervous about my balance. I managed to get through this and I reach over for…JESUS! There is no paper! SERIOUSLY???? WHAT am I supposed to do now?? Sidebar and TMI: it’s not a good time of month for this to be happening to me – ladies – you get my drift. I did all that a self-respecting woman in my situation could do…gave it a couple of bounces, hoped for the best, and swiped some kleenex from the conference room for future encounters.

China: 2, Alexis: 0

Food Fights

I didn’t consider myself a picky eater until I started working at Safeway in 2013. After declining invites to several Asian, Indian and Mediterranean lunches, I realized, I have a fairly limited palette. As a result, imagine my excitement when the team wanted to go to a German restaurant for dinner – I’ve never had German food, but it wasn’t Asian so I thought I could surely find something I’d enjoy.

I hadn’t eaten much that day, just some fried rice that I ordered

from room service (actually, I ordered vegetarian noodles but she didn’t understand me so I somehow ended up with pork fried rice, instead). Anyway, we went to Paulaner Munchen, which apparently is a pretty popular restaurant. Starving and anticipating large portions, I ordered meatloaf because it was the most American sounding item on the menu. I don’t believe that what they served could be considered meat. It looked like spam but spam would have been a welcome flavor compared to whatever this was. In my hunger, I was able to choke down two bites but that was all before I tapped out. Thankfully, the dish was served with potatoes and they brought bread that I snacked on (two different carbs should help me lose weight, right??).

Our lunches at the work site were equally dissatisfying to my sensitive taste buds. We were served from the cafeteria in trays, and each meal had the same components: a ton of steamed rice, a small portion of chicken (coated in various, unidentifiable sauces), a small portion of fish (also drowning in sauce), some vegetable and a side of soup. Suffice to say, I ate steamed rice for lunch for three days straight.

On our last night, one of our partners asked to take us to dinner. I couldn’t really say no, though I really just wanted to go back to my hotel room and eat granola bars. They took us to a Japanese restaurant. Let me back up to the journey to the restaurant. As I explained earlier, I had spent a good amount of time walking around The Plaza and all I saw was a plethora of restaurants. On our way to dinner, we came to what looked like the entrance to a store (which I’d seen before). We walked in and it was actually the entrance to the largest mall I’ve ever been in. Seriously – seven stories of STORES!! Actual stores, with like…merchandise! And of course, now I don’t have time to shop! Anyway, back to dinner. Usually, at a Japanese restaurant, I can get a roll or two that are cooked. That must be an American thing, because everything on this menu was raw, and I don’t eat raw fish. So, I took the “safe” route and ordered a beef and rice bowl. Appetizer after appetizer are served, and I decline them all, as politely as I can so as not to offend anyone. My meal came and I was so happy to have something to occupy me because I was exhausted with trying to make small talk. Happy that is, until I took the first bite. They seemed to have cracked an egg over the meat right before they served it and the beef was very fatty. I loathe soft eggs – it’s a texture thing for me. I always order my eggs scrambled hard, over hard, or hard boiled. Since I hadn’t participated in the appetizers, everyone was looking at me to make sure I was pleased with my meal. I smiled, as best as I could while trying not to vomit. I managed to make it through a few bites, but not before getting ridiculed by the natives for my poor use of chopsticks. A short walk back to the hotel, followed by a very long bath, and I was packed and ready to come home…

China: 3, 4 and 5, Alexis: 0

Not a Gymnast

So, after an uneventful flight from Fuzhou to Hong Kong, I grabbed some food (Popeye’s Chicken) and made my way to my gate. I realized I hadn’t purchased anything my entire trip so I stopped to get some knick knacks, a magazine and a big bottle of water for the flight. Got to the gate and realized I left my memory foam neck pillow somewhere…but couldn’t for the life of me recall where. Lost cause. And my bottle of water was confiscated before we boarded the flight. It’s all good – I just want to go home. I board the

plane and to my delight, there is no one in the middle seat. Just me in the window and a lovely, older  Chinese woman on the end. I got another urge but I looked over and the lady was sleeping. As a considerate person, I really didn’t want to wake her so I decided to climb over her – she was pretty petite so I was confident I could pull this off.

I unbuckled myself, put my shoes on, organized my iPad, blanket and headphones and got out of my seat. So far so good, my stirring hasn’t wakened her. I got one leg over her, and then lost my balance, elbowed her in the head and nearly sat in her lap. WHAT THE F*#% WAS I THINKING?? Now I’m straddling this poor woman, whom I’ve startled awake – so not only has she caught a forearm to the side of the head, but she has my ass in her face while I try to de-straddle myself from her lap and apologize profusely. Game over, China wins and I just want to be back in the United States!!

China: 6, Alexis: 0 and done!

And that ladies and gentlemen, is why I need a chaperone.