Authentically Flawed

Relapse: (of someone suffering from a disease) suffer deterioration after a period of improvement.

So ladies and gentlemen, when I started this journey, I labeled myself an addict. Like many addicts, I’m sad to report that I had a relapse into old, unhealthy habits. Long story short, I gave it another shot with Sophie’s Choice which predictably, did not work out – after all, leopards don’t change their spots, right? We’d had some really good conversations and I believed that four months apart made him want things that he didn’t want the first time around. I was wrong. But here’s the key difference – while the end result was the same – I AM DIFFERENT.

I started to see the warning signs and rather than ignore them and hope for the best, I addressed it with him openly, and honestly. And while it stings to have heard his open and honest response, I was able to accept it and accept the fact that him not wanting the same things I want it is about him, not about me. I came to an empowering realization during this go-around: he’s not a BAD person, he’s just not MY person. And therein lies the power for me…I know what I want in love and I won’t settle for anything less. The last time we did this, I spent weeks wondering what I could have done differently and why he couldn’t see all that I had to offer and how great we could be together. This time around, I’ve accepted two things: 1) it doesn’t matter – his choice is his choice and I don’t have to understand it, and 2) there is someone out there who will want what I want, and will make the time to show me every day that I am his person. Yes, I’m stealing this phrase shamelessly from Grey’s Anatomy here – don’t judge me.

There is a part of me that is embarrassed that I gave it another chance, especially when all previous signs indicated it wouldn’t pan out, but I’m not going to beat myself up about it, because the truth is-this needed to happen. I now have closure, and while I lost a few weeks in my “single for 2016” pledge, it’s worth it to me for what I gained in return. I can let go. I can move on. I can accept my own awesomeness and put that ahead of my desire for him (or anyone else) to come around. In this last few weeks, I didn’t totally lose sight of my goals of self-improvement while I was frolicking in the fields of companionship. I finished my masters degree in Organizational Development with honors and I’m finding my way around in my new job – which includes seeing the world. I’m actually writing this entry from my hotel room in Fuzhou, China!

The other major thing I’ve learned about myself over the past few months is that I have a really hard time “needing” people. This is a conversation I’ve had with a couple of close friends – the message being that I’m not needy enough. My immediate reaction was to take offense…why should I be needy? What does that even mean? What does that look like? I’ve been on my own since I was 18 (arguably sooner than that but I moved out at 18 so I’ll just use that and save the woes of my upbringing for another post). So, for the past 16 years, I’ve done the majority of things on my own. Car needs fixing? I figure out how to get it done. Something in the house broken? I figure out how to get it fixed. Massive life problem to solve? I consult my circle and then make a decision. It’s not something I even think about anymore – I just naturally do things, because if I don’t, they don’t get done. The lesson for me as it relates to relationships though, is that most people want to feel like they serve some purpose in your life. As Sophie’s Choice explained to me, he wanted to know that he was around for more than just killing bugs and lifting heavy objects. I can appreciate that, and I did make a conscious effort to allow him to do things for me. The little things, like carrying my grocery bags, getting me a to-go box when we’re out to lunch, helping me make the bed in the morning; small things that I would normally say “no I got it”, but that made him feel helpful. I realized that a lot of my resistance to accepting this kind of trivial help is 1) I’m incredibly impatient and nine times out of ten, I can do something myself faster than waiting on someone else and 2) it’s just second nature to me to do things myself without asking for help. After much reflection though, I understand that while these things feel small to me, they add up to making another person feel desired and valued, which is really all I want from my partner as well. Gotta give to get, right folks?

I will never be the type of woman who needs (or even wants) to be taken care of financially, or that needs her man to be home 24:7 (because in all likelihood, if that were the case, I’d end up on Snapped). I’m not going to check his email or stalk his phone, or demand that he get my oil changed or rotate my tires, but I’m learning to say “yes, please” instead of “no, I got this” when an offer of help is extended. I’m even learning to ask for the little things (can you get me some water while you’re up??) I think – at least I hope, that’s what my wonderful circle was getting at when they said I’m not needy enough. If not, I’m fucked and I’ll be single forever.