Authentically Flawed

Today is Leap Day, so it seems fitting that I have taken a great leap of faith and accepted a new job! It’s a really exciting position and I’m looking forward to getting started, but work is not the purpose of this blog – it’s the journey to a better, healthier, more bad ass Lex. So, how’s that going?

Well, from a health and wellness perspective, the year started out strong. I was going to the gym regularly and following my nutrition plan. Then, as is usually the case, life happened, and I started stress eating to get through the day. As the food got worse, I deviated from my workout routine as well. The good news is, I’m not so far gone that I can’t get back on track and I’m taking steps to do so this week. What I’ve realized is that they hype about healthy living is true – I FEEL so much better when I’m taking better care of myself (imagine that)! The journey to healthy living has always been a challenge for me because I have spent most of my life prioritizing other things over myself – other people, work, school…pretty much anything that can deter me from focusing on the hard stuff. It’s the hard stuff that I’m intent on dealing with in this year of detox though.

From a tactical perspective, I’ve kicked ass so far in 2016. I got a promotion, paid off my credit card debt in anticipation of having to start repaying my student loans, and I was inducted into Beta Gamma Sigma, an international honor society, which is a huge deal for me considering how poorly I performed in undergrad. I also did karaoke for the first time ever – doing a duet of Jump by Kris Kross to celebrate my sister’s 30th year of life. If you’re wondering…yes, there was tequila involved…and yes, I have video! This is not to say that the last two months haven’t been without their challenges. I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on my life, my choices, my personality and the things that make me tick. I’ve come to one solid, irrefutable realization – my future husband better have a shitload of patience. Like seriously, a ton…maybe a ton and a half. Why? I am a constant contradiction.Not in the stereotypical women-don’t-know-what-they-want kind of way, but like nothing about me makes any sense.

I have a fierce temper, but I hate confrontation. This one is a conundrum and what I’ve learned in my reflection is that I am quick to defend myself against people when the emotional stakes are low (i.e., I don’t care about them or their opinion of me). If I care about the person, my natural tendency is to shrink from conflict and avoid addressing issues head on. I realize this should be the inverse – it should be easier for me to have conflict with the people I trust and feel safe with, right? It’s not – I know why but the answer is deeply rooted in my relationship with my father, and there’s no couch or licensed clinical social worker in this blog so I’m going to skip that psychoanalysis and say I’m aware, and I’m working on it.

I am hyper affectionate (like seriously, would cuddle anyone as long as they look like they’ve showered and brushed their teeth). But…I’m an introvert. No one ever believes me when I say that because apparently I seem very at ease around others. The truth is, most of the time, I just want to be at home, writing in my journal, coloring in my adult coloring book, watching Netflix, and/or doing a crossword puzzle. It takes a lot of mental energy for me to be around other people, especially in social settings where I don’t know people. I need someone that can be with me without placing additional demands on that often nearly-tapped-out energy supply. Ouch…that sounds terrible but, it’s an honest statement. If I were submitting this to a publisher, I’d probably be advised to edit that – but I’m gonna go with the raw version here. This is not to say that I can’t give my partner my attention/love/affection – it just means he is going to need to appreciate when I need my “me” time…but I’ll still want him to be in the room with me. It doesn’t make sense…God help him.

I am an overachieving workaholic…and yet completely lazy. I can manage 100 tasks at work, come home and do homework – I mean, I do have straight As in grad school for crying out loud. But my condo looks like a hurricane came through with a side of earthquake. Despite my best intentions, I can’t ever get a grip on my laundry, and clutter seems to stick to my living areas like pollen on my allergy-ridden nasal passages. I don’t really have an answer for this, other than I really think my future marriage will only survive if we have a maid. To my future spouse – I promise to try to control where I leave my shoes and undergarments but you should just plan to trip over them or be prepared to pick them up. Love you!

I’m exactly 60 days into this journey, and while it’s been difficult, I feel confident in my decision to focus on myself this year. If the last 60 days are any indication, I’m in for a lot of life changes this year and taking this time to get to know, and be truly comfortable with myself, will be key for dealing with those changes in the healthiest way possible. Spoiler alert: I’m seriously considering relocating to Austin! More to come on that…stay tuned!