Authentically Flawed

Detoxification (or detox for short): is the physiological or medicinal removal of toxic substances from a living organism, including the human body, which is mainly carried out by the liver. Additionally, it can refer to the period of withdrawal during which an organism returns to homeostasis after long-term use of an addictive substance.

I am definitely in need of a detox in 2016. Am I an alcoholic? No. A drug addict? No. And after several years of being food dependent, I’ve finally gotten my nutrition and physical health under control. So what am I detoxing from?

L – O – V – E 

The pursuit of love has been my greatest addiction and the single biggest cause of pain for me in the last 15 years. As we start 2016, I’ve reviewed old journals and done a tremendous amount of self-reflection. What I’ve determined is that I’ve actually had a pretty awesome few years – I have a great job where I kick ass on a regular basis, I have a 4.0 in grad school, my baby sister and I are closer now than we have been in our entire lives, my dad and I have reconciled after years of being estranged, my mom is still my biggest champion and I have amazing friends who support and motivate me no matter what. I own my home, I drive a nice car *nod to my black on black Acura – love you baby* and I can afford to travel pretty much when I want to. All that, and yet, most of the time I’m “in my feelings” (I hate the expression “I feel some type of way”, so I’ve substituted that with “in my feelings” to describe when I’m upset or feeling down). Why am I in my feelings? Because I’m single, and being single sucks for someone who loves love as much as I do. I have love tattooed in two languages for crying out loud!

Because I’ve been on this constant quest to be loved, I’ve allowed myself to make really bad decisions when it comes to the men I date. Take the last fellow I cared about for example. Super nice guy (I thought), and I believed we had the best thing of all: communication. We didn’t really fight, but the few disagreements we had, we talked through in a very mature manner. I thought he appreciated the fact that I was independent (mostly cause he told me he did), but then – as we got closer, he pulled away and hit me with the “I have commitment issues” line. Given that he’s 14 years my senior and has never been married, that was an obvious thing and I should have walked away, and cut my losses but I stayed in it because well…why the hell not? We went on like this for another few weeks – him being distant and me feeling lonely, until one day he hit me with the world’s worst ultimatum…really, Sophie’s Choice, relationship edition. Apparently he had recently been in contact with his ex (who in hindsight, he talked way too much about). Anyway, he calls me one night and tells me that they are going to sit down and talk about why things didn’t work out between them and he didn’t know what that meant but he wanted to be “honest” with me about what was going on. He then told me that I could a) keep seeing him while he decided what to do or b) wait for him to decide what he wanted to do. I chose option c) peace out, I deserve better. Still, it jacked me up for weeks because I couldn’t understand how he could walk away from me – refer to awesomeness above. At the end of the day, it really doesn’t matter why – he did and he obviously wasn’t the one for me, but resolving that in my mind and my heart is easier said than done. And that’s been a constant since I was in undergrad at San Diego State in 2000.

I’ve come to the realization as my 34th birthday approaches, that I need to be okay with all of the amazing things in my life and find my self-worth before I am truly deserving of my soul mate. I also need to let HIM find ME. I just don’t know how to do this so, I’m stepping out in a tremendous leap of faith and saying, I’m taking a year off. I will not date in 2016. Instead, I will spend this year focused on Alexis Marie Barone – her needs, her wants, her goals, her dreams. This blog “All By MySelfie” will document this journey and chronicle the things I’m doing for myself – to be a better, stronger, more fabulous Lex. I will include a selfie, or series of selfies because well, that’s fun, right? Some of you may not understand or agree with this path, or the fact that I’m putting it out there for the world to read, but – I’m a grown ass woman – if you don’t like it, don’t read it. Maybe there’s someone else out there like me that needs to know that it’s okay not to have a significant other – I am a whole person all by myself and I hope by the end of this ‘detox’, that my heart and mind are finally aligned on that point.

So how did I start the year? I rested, reflected, went to the gym and started this blog. Is this a self-centered way to live life? You bet your ass it is and it’s the first time I’ve ever put myself first so…deal with it.

Cheers to 2016 fam! Love you all and pray for me!